Playing Catch-Up

Ok, it's been just over a year. What a year! *epiphany* Since I've met David, it seems as though I've remembered my life in relation to my relationship with him. Is that natural, normal, ok? In essence, my life for the last four years has been defined by him. Why has this just dawned on me? And is this ok in my book? Why hasn't it revolved more around me - what I think, what I feel, what I've accomplished? I suppose it's for the same reasons that I've held off accomplishing certain things in my life unless I have someone around to validate the accomplishment. For the most part, I've never felt that doing something just for me was good enough - I've held the belief that great joy comes from sharing my life with someone, and yet, even while I write this and acknowledge that so many others would disagree and encourage me to be an individual and live life for myself, I still hold that notion close to my heart and debate the satisfaction felt from knowing someone else cares vs the stark realization that you're alone. On multiple occassions I've found myself preaching that yes, we are born and die alone, however we live on a planet inhabited by others for a reason. For me, to date, there seems to be this boredom, anxiety and sorrow at the thought of experiencing life and not being able to share it with someone else. I suppose that could be where blogging and journaling take their place for so many, and possibly for me too. Typically, I'm someone who pics one person and shares everything about me with him. To be able to open up and be 100% myself with someone and have them love me still, without judgment or rejection is the ultimate feeling, and I believe it's what so many of us are in search of - God's love manifest in each other. Of course, how can I make such a statement without outlining my belief in God? And herein lies the irony, now that I'm forcing myself to think this through. Since my belief is that God is an energy that encompasses all - the alpha & the omega, the beginning and the end, a force that just IS - and that this energy is made manifest by us, through us, for us, eventually creating a circle of energy that is us ... then in essence, the irony in my belief is that I believe we are each God, no different than how each piece of a hologram is the hologram. ha! and so the cruz of my theory lies in this old revalation that i'm just now remembering: for me - i feel most in touch with the essence of god and my energies are vibrating most when i feel 100% accepting of myself - without the negativity that is doubt, fear, anxiety, frustration. those are feelings with a vibration that dampen my energy. until recently i prided myself on fully accepting myself, my actions, my thoughts, my decisions - i was raised to be ok with others' judgments because they mattered little so long as i stood behind my actions, committed to my decisions, even if the decision was to change my mind. it is when i forget this and allow for uncertainty and unacceptance of myself to creep in that things begin to go awry for me.

... i was sidetracked, so i've lost my train of thought ... and that's ok ;-) i'll get back to it at some point, i'm sure.